If I were a songwriter (or if I was still a poet), I'd write something about 3 o'clock in the morning -ie, the worst hour of the day.
3am falls right in the middle of my night of sleeping. And for whatever reason, I often wake up around this time and am unable to roll over and go back to sleep. Instead, I feel wide awake - more so than when my alarm goes off 4 hours later - and I toss and turn for at least 45 minutes before I eventually nod off again.
But during this hour of sleeplessness? I lay in bed and worry. I worry in an all-consuming, uncomfortable, out-of-my-mind sort of way. I first worry about the immediate threat: that I'll not be able to fall back asleep and I'll be super tired the next day. But then I start worrying more generally. About everything, really, in my life that could possibly cause worry. My health. My husband's health. Getting pregnant. My job/career path. My husband's. Money. Marriage. The leak in the ceiling in our bathroom. Yardwork. My mom. Gaining weight. Writing the Great American Novel. Failure. Unhappiness. Life's mistakes. Selling our house someday. It goes on and on and on...
Additionally, during this time, I feel quite a bit of self-pity and loneliness. And it's odd. It's almost like one hour of the day, I have a glimpse of the darkness people see who suffer with depression. It clouds all rational thought and consumes my brain.
But then? I eventually fall back asleep. And when I wake up at 7, I feel fine. Normal. And when I think back to what was causing all that anxiety, it seems almost laughable. Insignificant. Wasteful of brain space. It feels like the thing on which I fixated for an hour is merely a little dot on the giant canvas of my whole life. And I guess that's a good thing. But I wonder, does anyone else suffer from the 3am blues?