We had to put our sweet little Ben Cat to sleep yesterday. I'll probably do another post later remembering our little guy.
In the meantime, I'm very sad about the whole thing. And I feel a pretty great sense of loss - it somehow feels different than it does when people die, although I can't quite pinpoint why. (Perhaps because there's a slight feeling of guilt? As in, had we spent more money at the vet trying to get him healthy, we wouldn't have had to do it.) But I guess that's neither here nor there at this point - when discussing the financials, we did what we felt was appropriate. And when discussing whether or not to put him down, we did what we felt was necessary. He was getting so tiny; he straight up stopped eating (prob. about 2-3 weeks ago); and if he did eat, he threw up bile and blood. The past couple days were especially bad; he was getting weak and was hiding in weird places in the house.
But all those things aside, it didn't make it less weird when I was cooking/baking all day yesterday (preparing for book club that I hosted last night) and the little kitty wasn't laying down in the middle of the kitchen, such that I'd have to step over him to do anything. Or when I got out of bed this morning and he wasn't laying in the doorway to our room. Or when I blowdryed my hair this morning and he wasn't laying on the floor behind me. Or when Jonathan got out of the shower and he wasn't standing there ready to lick the water.
And the finality of it is making me sad. He's not just at the vet for a day or two, he's gone. We left the house yesterday with a cat, and came home without one. And even though I know he was suffering, it still sucks. I just want my (healthy) cat to be waiting for me at the door when I get home.
The euthanasia itself, as well, was tough. I'm not sure if it's the norm for people to want to be in the room when they do it. But I did. I felt like I would be abandoning him if I didn't stick around until the end. It was just so sad, though. And it didn't seem fair - like, Ben should have been able to live a long life and just die peacefully in his sleep, not die in the fluorescent light-filled doctor's office - the one place he absolutely hated to be.
So yeah - sad days at Queen Ketchup. RIP Ben. We loved you & miss you!