Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Baby?

As a newly married couple, babies are definitely on the brain. And it's certainly not in a compulsive, can't think about anything else, must! have! one! now! kind of way. Nor is it something though, that's put on the back burner - something we just sort of see in the waaaaay future. So it's a mix between the two. And really, it's not a conversation we have all that much.

Jonathan is ready; I am not. And that's that. It doesn't cause any conflict; it just is what it is.

I hear so much about the proverbial "baby fever" that many wives start to get a few months into their marriage, though. And I honestly wonder if this will ever hit me - I mean, in a full on, immediately-I-need-to-have-a-kid kind of way. I'm wondering if it's because I'm too practical? Or if it's because we're in a, generally speaking, reversed state of baby desire (generalizing that the woman is ready for a child before the man)? Or if it's that I'm still young enough to not be super concerned with impeding age & fertility? Or if it's maybe that the majority of my best friends aren't married or close to having a baby? (Maybe you guys could get on that??)

There are definitely instances, though, when I feel really excited about having kid. (And then times when I feel really, wholly, unquestionably unprepared for it.)

Excited: Holding a little, bitty, sweeeeeet baby! Smelling his sweet little smell. Having him grip my finger with his hand. (I'm melting just thinking about it!)
Freaked Out: Thinking about how little this tiny guy sleeps. I already sleep poorly. It sucks. Sleep is good.

Excited: Seeing baby clothes! Those tiny little outfits! Those little, bitty diapers! Little onesies with booties at the bottom!
Freaked Out: The price tags of everything...the clothes, furniture, toys, medicines, doctor's appointments, carseats, strollers, food, child-proofing gear...

Excited: Seeing hip moms walking with their kid in a stroller, enjoying the beautiful Spring weather, the kid with a huge smile on his face. (And, I mean, we drive a Subaru, we're ready for hip parenthood!)
Freaked Out: Reading about problems with pregnancies; problems with labor (I can't find the link - but did you guys see that thing on cnn about the mom of twins who became mentally unfunctioning after a complication with twin childbirth?); children with severe disabilities; oh my gosh, the unthinkable, children dying.

Excited: Seeing families at the Farmer's Market on Saturday. The cute little girls playing with hula hoops in the kid zone, and gushing over puppies in the dog-sitting area. Everyone holding hands; dads being really sweet with their kids, while moms watch lovingly.
Freaked Out: Temper tantrums in public; siblings fighting with each other; parents looking frazzled.

Excited: Seeing kids walking to/from the school in our neighborhood with their parents.
FREAKED OUT: Looking at the tuition for that quaint little school: $16,000/year. Awesome.

Excited: Seeing little kids in a bakery picking out their perfect treat & then eating it in the sweet/messy way little kids eat stuff
Freaked Out: Baby weight. I don't want to gain a ton. I don't want to have a ton of trouble taking it off. When would I have time to work out? How could I keep food cravings at bay when my hormones are in a whirlwind?

And I guess it's the general freedom (selfishness) of not having a kid: knowing we can make last-minute decisions to do stuff (no babysitter planning); knowing I can go into Anthropologie and buy a $60 shirt and not feel too, too bad about it; knowing we can take grown-up vacations (and if we found a last-minute deal, we could probably up & leave if it was a-ok with our work schedules); going to nice, expensive restaurants; having nice, breakable things on all planes of our house; sometimes drinking a lot & not even considering anyone else (ie, not worrying that: the kid will be up all night, something will happen to the kid that will require driving to the ER or Walgreens, the kid will be up at his usual 5:30am the next day, etc.).

But then, on the other hand, I'm also so, so excited to actually have a baby. To go through that with Jonathan. To see him hold the little baby, push a stroller, play with him. To feel the love a parent has for a child. To watch the child grow, forming a personality. To teach him things, watching his little brain churn with curiosity. To read him books. Go to soccer games and choir concerts. And then to see the 7 lb baby turn into a child, a teenager, a college student, and then an adult - and see him get to this same point in life I'm at right now. I want all that so, so badly.

So anyway, that's where I am right now. I pray that children are a part of God's plan for us - and I feel comforted knowing that if/when God blesses us with this gift, we'll be ready, because He knows we're ready.

Oh growing up...

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